“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” – Rudyard Kipling
I feel like every time I have posted a blog over the past 2 years I have started it the same, “Man it’s been awhile since I’ve written…”, “I need to get back to blogging consistently…”, “I really miss writing…”.
Well, here I am again, same old song and dance, and all of the above is true! It’s been awhile since I’ve written, I need to get back to blogging consistently and I REALLY miss writing! It’s not that I haven’t been inspired to write, especially seeing that Bailey passed away 6 weeks ago and she was always such an inspiration for me. I’ve wanted to write about her since that sad day on April 14th so bad, I just haven’t been strong enough yet. And there have been many days when quotes have consumed my mind, I just haven’t put them to “paper”.
But today, today I feel like it’s time for me to write. To address a topic that I’ve wanted to talk about for so long. A topic that consumes my mind on a daily basis and a topic that I have carried on my back like a 5oo-lb gorilla for most of my life.
The topic is broad and can probably be broken into a few topics that all tie together:
The Power of Words, The Power of Judgement, Self-Sabotage
Our news is constantly full of stories like how hot Caitlyn Jenner is as a woman, how fat Melissa McCarthy and Kelly Clarkson are, how perfect and beautiful the Duchess of Cambridge is after having her second baby and how Giuliana Rancic is too skinny. Every magazine on the shelf has a new diet to get you “bathing suit ready”, our first comment after seeing a picture of ourselves has to do with how fat or ugly we look and we edit the picture until it doesn’t even look like us and most of us can’t take an honest compliment anymore without cutting ourselves down. I’ve had it, I can’t take it anymore, and I’m GUILTY as well! But I’m DONE!
This will be one of the most vulnerable blog posts I’ve ever written and it’s way over due.
This is so true…words are an addiction! Our society is addicted to words that are killing us all slowly. Words that we use to describe and judge others, words that we use to describe and judge ourselves are drugs that we just can’t put down, no matter how bad we know they are for us and those around us. We use them and use them and use them!
These are the words we use when we talk about others and when we talk about ourselves. We comment on the appearance of other people CONSTANTLY! We are consumed by it, particularly woman. We are AWFUL to each other! We poison one another with these words and they stab like knives. They leave permanent marks on the soul and they carry on in the minds of young girls, boys, men and women like Scarlet Letters, burnt on our skin for years and years.
Why do we do this to one another? Why is acceptance of ourselves and others so hard? Why must we label and judge by physical appearance and sexual orientation? What are we scared of? Why do we spread such hate? Deep down, I know that we all want love and acceptance more than anything else in this world. That’s a characteristic I truly think all humans share at their core, yet we continue to get our next fix on such hateful and powerful words.
Since I was little I’ve been judged by my weight, by the way that I look, the way that I dress. I’ve been called such hurtful names, thinking about them brings tears to my eyes as I type right now at 32 years old. I can remember specific moments from my past and with each memory I feel a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat. Why? Because these words were SO powerful! They HURT then and they still HURT now! I will never forget them and how they made me feel and continue to make me feel. I’m a grown woman, I know that I “know better” and that I need to “be bigger than that”, but it’s not that simple. As I grew up I began to define myself like everyone else did. I was fat, I was disgusting and I was ashamed of myself. Every day my mind is consumed by my size and my appearance. I can’t remember a time when I have truly been comfortable in my own skin since about the age of 12. It was around that time that I began to talk to myself like kids did around me….and I was listening.
Not only was I listening I was self-sabotaging myself. I hated myself and I was inferior. Now, at age 32, I’m in a relationship with someone who thinks I’m the most beautiful person in this world and I STILL can’t take a compliment from him. HOW ANNOYING!!! I’m over it! I’m over the tears, I’m over hating myself, I’m over all of the tabloids, the news, the judgements, the hate, the poisonous words! I’m DONE!!! I’m sick of not being comfortable in my own skin and I’m sick of being defined by a society by my waist size and my figure. I’m sick and tired of it dragging me down EVERY day!
This is going to take a lot of time because I’m addicted to this drug. I’m addicted to the words, the thoughts, the constant fear of the thoughts of others. But I have to train my mind. I don’t want to discuss “How much weight ‘he’ or ‘she’ has gained” or “How much weight’he’ or ‘she’ has lost” or “How good or bad ‘he’ or ‘she’ looks”. These conversations just make me feel worse and worse about ME. It hurts! I have to change the way I’m living this life because over a third of it is over and I can’t carry this 500-lb gorilla on my back anymore.
NO ONE CAN. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO. WE MUST CHANGE!
We truly are good enough just the way we are.
So, Caitlyn Jenner, you are a woman. Whether you are some people’s definition of physical beauty or not, you are who you are and hopefully finally comfortable in your own skin, and that’s what matters. I hope that so many out there can find comfort in your journey. Melissa McCarthy and Kelly Clarkson, you are 2 talented women and I commend you for your success and strength in such an angry and judging world. Duchess, you are a mother of 2 and a wife to the Duke of Cambridge and you seem to have such a beautiful soul, I’m sure Princess Di would be so proud, and Giuliana Rancic, you have faced personal battles many of us will never understand and have been successful in your career. You are a wonderful role model for young women in this country. To the young kid or even the oldest adult that is reading this right now, you ARE enough and you ARE beautiful the way you are.
And, last but not least, Lauren LaViola, you are a kind and successful woman who loves with a big heart, who is stubborn as a mule and who deserves a life of happiness, free of judgement. You ARE “bathing suit ready” right now, today at over 200lbs and a size 16, yesterday, and always! Your character is not defined by your weight or your external appearance and you too must change the words you use. You must stop judging others solely because you are actually, deep down, just judging yourself. You must change!
We all must change! We are bigger and better than this and we are capable of so much more! There are so many more important things to focus on in this world.
We must LOVE!