2/4/14 – The More of Me I Be, The Clearer I Can See

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“To be nobody but yourself–in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else–means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” e.e. cummings

“The more of me I be,
The clearer I can see.” 
― Rachel Archelaus

I used two quotes today to lead off how I’ve felt lately. First of all, it’s been a LONG time since I posted. I’ve done this before but, unlike times before, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Life gets busy, as mine has, and I just didn’t share my thoughts with the world. That being said, that DOESN’T mean that I didn’t have thoughts. I have had more thoughts since my last post than I can even explain.

I began Oprah and Dr. Brene Brown’s Life Course a few weeks back and have really been focusing on my imperfections, my awareness and loving myself. Boy oh boy is this class a job in itself haha I have learned so much about myself and feel more aware lately than I ever have. One of the biggest “a-ha” moments I have had is this:

Do you ever see people doing something that seems so “cool” and you feel like you “should” do it too and that would make you so much happier? For example, “Oh I should do yoga, that would be awesome. They love it, I would love it!” “I should really start watching that show. I don’t watch ANY shows that other people watch.” “I don’t go out on Friday nights, what’s wrong with me?” I could go on and on about this but my point is that I am a victim of telling myself “I don’t do ANYTHING! I don’t have hobbies!” But I’ve learned that this isn’t true. I DO have hobbies. I have so many specific and consistent hobbies that they are no longer hobbies, they are part of me. I don’t do yoga, it hurts my knee, that’s why every time I try it I hate it. I don’t watch the same shows everyone else watches because I love Grey’s Anatomy, Rookie Blue, American Idol, The Voice, and so many other shows that I like because I LIKE them…not because everyone else likes them. I don’t go out on Friday nights because I’m exhausted after a long week of work and need to relax, because I don’t really enjoy going out to bars and spending money I don’t have, because I don’t really even enjoy drinking, because, you know what I DO like to do on Friday nights? I like to watch my DVR of Soulful Sundays with my journal, taking notes about awareness, love, life and connection. THIS is who I am! THESE are the HOBBIES that I have and the things I enjoy doing.

For so many years I have worried about doing what everyone else was. I tried to change myself because I didn’t know that the whole time I was already ME doing the things I LOVED doing. I was so good at it that I didn’t realize I was doing it. I tried to make myself read books that I didn’t want to read. I like to read my books that help me to better myself and help me to reflect. THOSE are the books I love.This doesn’t make the things that others do and the books that others read, etc WRONG, just wrong for me. That’s all! And that’s OKAY 🙂 FINALLY, for the first time ever, I realize that while I was searching for my interests among the interests of others, I knew them all along and I’m more than proud of them.

It’s true, “The more of me I be, the clearer I can see.”

So often people tell me that I give too much of myself, that i’m too emotional, that I’m too open. I’ve battled with this for so long, thinking that others were right and that I needed to change. But I finally get it! I’m a giver, I’m emotional and I’m open and I won’t change that. When I try to change that I’m not my authentic self, I’m someone else. Being ME, the giving, emotional and open soul I’ve been blessed with is who I am and I’m not ashamed of it anymore, nor do I want to change. I only want to be the best version of me that I can be 🙂

Being your true, authentic, imperfect self is a daily battle, that’s for sure. But there is no other battle I want to win in this life more than that one! I can tell you one thing, as of today the scoreboard is in my favor!

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